Day 14 – Off days

I’ve been unwell these last days. Bad sleep. Long exhausting days. Pain.

I need to rest but nothing seems to go in this direction so I just take things to the point I will explode or collapse.

I can’t ask my husband for more that what he can take and since he won’t ask for help himself when he’s too tired, I just have to be around as much as I can (and more) for him and our son.

But when the first thing you do when you wake up is being overwhelmed to the point you wish FOR ONCE you could just wake up to silence and go through your day the way you want to. Your own pace.

It’s not happening so you cry for 5 minutes because your brain is still foggy from the anxiety medication you took before going to bed, your body screams from the pain and the things that keep bugging you and that you don’t seem to digest, that just pollute you and that makes you mad, sad, scared, tired too … all of these things combined … you just want to go back to bed and wait for the day, well, the year to be over.

I know tomorrow will probably be okay but for now, I just have to keep my struggles for myself, go through the day, wait for everyone to go to bed so I can finally get back to some quiet times by myself.

I’ve been through way worst in my life. But days like this made me doubt on my ability to survive for 30/40 more years.

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