Day 11 – Organizing the chaos

I just wrote something on one my Facebook group after seeing an interesting post about Autism and ADHD and how it affects me.

I need routine.
I need to move.
But I need to be still too.
I am exhausted.
I am full of everything.
I need to move more.
I need to sleep.
My brain is still awake at night.

My body is agitated.
I need routine.
I need a schedule.
I keep being distracted.
I forget my schedule.
My brain screams at me.
I can’t remember what I just did.

I want to learn.
To memorize so many things.
I want to fulfill myself with knowledge.
My brain won’t let me for too long.
My brain will let me for things that won’t last.
I need routine.
And I escape chaos.

I realize know that my organized chaos has its limits and that it would be good for me to ask for help. Specific help. It’s a matter of need here.

I really want to get better but I keep going in all the directions.

At the end, my goals are put on hold from the moment my brain decides to not cooperate, that my routine is constantly disturbed by change and to be honest, because I am just too tired.

I didn’t write the last days because I was too drained mentally to organize my ideas. I missed my diary though. I do think writing is somehow a way to get things out.

Writing is also a key to feel better. For me.

So yes, I need help. I need someone to play a role where I’m not given the choice anymore. Someone that will tell me when I need to disconnect to take care of myself.

Someone that will help me follow my schedule to the point it will finally becomes an automatism.

I will seek for help soon. I will see how to make it possible.

I learned over time that I don’t have to feel ashamed of not managing things on my own sometimes.

I want to do the things right now.

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