Today was hard. I went through a really rough night where I kept choking on my saliva – this problem is related to my conversion disorder – and my body hurts.
I spent almost the entire day unable to function because of the pain despite taking painkillers.
This is hard mentally to stay positive when your body decides to crash.
But that’s life and that’s why I can’t plan anything ahead as well.
Also why I need to take care of myself to heal.
There are days with and days without, you wake up and you don’t know how you’ll feel, mentally, physically and what will happen.
This is the daily life of people with chronic illnesses or disorders and that asks even more courage to keep fighting no matter what.
I am conscious there is always worst than what I can experience, but I also learned with time that having this thought doesn’t have to “diminish” how it feels.
Lots of people are suffering, the most important part is to stay realistic, brave and self-indulgent.
So yes, I suffer, constantly, for multiple reasons, but I know, as for the rest, that it doesn’t have to be this way forever.
That I can find the resources in me and also with the help of others to keep living my life and improve its quality.
Every day is different, tomorrow I may be okay. I know it’s possible. I hang onto that thought.
I try to go to sleep, I try to not think too much (again) because yes, I can be fine too.