I’ve been doing good today.
I keep repeating to myself,
“One step after the other, Lou, one step”
And I feel less of my own pressure on my shoulders.
I had an interesting call with one of my therapist today (for those who wonder, I am autistic with ADHD and conversion disorder so I see ton shit of doctors).
“I would like to able to go through my up and downs. I know I can’t avoid them but I can’t let the down phases bring me down anymore.”
“Yes” – she said – “you want to surf on each wave.”
I love this image of waves. Because when you’re feeling down, it can bring this feeling you’re sinking. And right now my goal is to “surf” on this waves no matter how high or low they can be.
It’s going to ask time. Courage. Self-love as well. But mainly time.
“I know that I am a slow processing person and even though I have moments I would like to get ride of my autism, I know I can’t. My brain is the way it is. Now I just want people to understand I need things to go at my own pace. If I’m not ready for something, I’ll just go nowhere”
“Yes” – she added – “by recognizing this and explaining it to people, at the end they’ll have to follow and respect your pace. And not the other way around.”
I want that for myself.
I deserve at 33 years old to gain some space to be.
I don’t want to survive anymore.
I want to live.